Questions of Frequent Asking About My Adoption

As anyone who’s reading this is aware, I am currently going through the process of adopting my first child. Adoption is one of those concepts that everyone knows about, but only those who have been through it have any real understanding. This is not meant to be a condescending statement; I assure you that a year ago my grasp of what laid before me was more wrong than right. To explain the process as best I can, I’m starting off this discussion with the easiest of entries to write – the FAQ.

Q: Are we working with an agency?

A: Yes. We’re working with a private organization in Maryland.

Q: Will this be a domestic or international adoption?

A: We’re sticking domestic. Our agency works with families in Maryland, Virginia, and D.C. Occasionally, they hear of children through another agency in Florida.

Q: Where are you in the process?

A: We’re officially in the pool of adoption candidates. This is the final stage. Next stop - parenthood.

Q: What did it take to get there?

A: So very much. The process of simply becoming an adoption candidate leaves you with one of two sensations. One, it’s an overbearing intrusion into your life, given all of the required blood tests, letters of recommendation, credit checks, home inspections, and parenting classes, that’s inherently insulting because anyone who spends ten minutes with you will know what kind of parent you’ll be. Or, two, kind of a good idea that everyone should have to go through. I found myself alternating between these two rather frequently, depending on mood and the absurdity of the inquiry.

Q: Boy or girl?

A: The odd thing about adoption is that you get to choose almost everything about your child -race, developmental issues, drug and alcohol use by the mother, cause of conception - but you cannot choose gender.

Q: Why not?

A: I’ve gotten different answers on this, but the one that seems to be the most honest is that people prefer girls, leaving a glut of unadopted boys. The more political answer I’ve heard is that, since you can’t choose gender in a biological birth, why should adoption be any different. But that seems like more of a justification than an answer to me.

Q: What is “cause of conception”?

A: In the most pleasant terms, a child conceived from nonconsensual sex.

Q: What race will your child be?

A: This is a harder question than it may seem. Unless you’re an explicit bigot (but, at the risk of stereotyping, I don’t believe them to be generally open to adoption as a concept) or have some specific cultural tie to a racial identity, most people feel odd saying that they prefer one race over another, or, more specifically, that they wouldn’t be comfortable with a child of a certain race. But it’s an extremely important question. Of course the liberal in me believes that my Caucasian self and my Caucasian wife would have no difficulty raising an Asian, Latino, or African-American child, but do we have the social structure in place to be able to offer such a child a link to their cultural history? Do we know a diverse enough range of people to be able to offer a perspective other than our own? Will our friends and family be supportive of such a choice? I believe that we can and so we are open to a child of any race.

Q: So, how long will all of this take?

A: The most frequently asked of the frequently asked questions. Basically, I have no idea. The range of possibilities starts with being paired with a pregnant woman who has an expected birth date months away to getting a phone call advising that our child was born this morning and we need to get to the hospital. It’s the waiting and this complete unpredictability that makes this question the hardest to answer with continued civility. So I apologize now to anyone I may snap at for asking this one.

Q: If I know someone making an adoption plan, can I have them contact you?

A: No. But you can provide us with their information, and we can provide it to our agency. There are certain privacy concerns that must be respected in this regard. However, our child can come from anywhere in any state. If our agency doesn’t operate in that state, they’ll connect us with one that does.

Q: Have you prepared the nursery?

A: No. We’ve been advised against doing so given the unpredictability of the process. Having a prepared nursery might seem logical, but, until it’s in use, it’s a constant reminder of the child you do not have.

This is by no means a comprehensive list; it’s barely even a start. I’ll add more as time and thought permits. I welcome other questions and will answer them the best I can.