“Congratulations” doesn’t seem appropriate. No one ever gets congratulated on deciding to have a child. That’s saved for the actual birth. “That’s great” works but seems too general, impersonal. So, when most people find out I’m adopting, they say generally “good for you.” It certainly sounds positive and supportive, even a bit reverent. I hate it.
“Good for you” suggests that my adoption is a selfless act, that I’m saving some destitute child from a certain life of misery. That I am making some great act; that a life with me as a parent will surely be better than the life the child would otherwise have. That my adoption is, in essence, an act of good.
My adoption is entirely selfish. I’ve chosen to start a family and this is how I’ve chosen to do it. I’m not trying to be any sort of parental savior. I’m not traveling to orphanages in war torn countries. There’s a whole list of exposures and disabilities a child may have that I’ve indicated I’m not willing to accept. The odds are more likely that my child will be born to a co-ed who had a little too much fun and not enough responsibility one night than to some homeless drug addict.
Could a child have a better life, greater opportunities, more stability with me as a parent than in any number of horrible situations? I certainly hope I can offer more than the worst case scenario. But that comes down to what kind of parent I’ll be, not how I came to be one. Being a good parent is a truly selfless act. How you get there is entirely not.
So please don’t treat me like a saint. I’m not trying to be one. At least, not yet.
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